Happy September 16th everybody! Oh, today has been a big, big day all around the world, and the World Cup of Hockey has barely got underway, but today’s date is also important because it is the official release of the new Apple iPhone 7. Today’s induction is a bit unusual in that it has almost nothing to do with hockey, yet it is without a doubt a shamefully worthy addition to our hallowed Hall. It is so shameful that it has been declared the world over as one of the worst, if not THE worst computer product of the late 20th century. In celebration of the official release of the new Apple iPhone 7, which is so revolutionary its creation involved — in the words of Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller — “courage,” the Hockey Hall of Shame is proud to induct the most infamous Apple product of all time: the Apple USB mouse.
“Now wait a minute,” you’re probably saying, “HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO this belongs in the Hockey Hall of Shame; Apple is infallible and the Pope needs to anoint Steve Jobs as a saint right now.” Oh hell YES, this absurd piece of technology most definitely belongs in the Hall! After all, the Apple USB Mouse is known to many tech nerds as the “Hockey Puck” mouse, and that little nugget of info was all I needed to justify combining two of my greatest loves, hockey and mocking Apple.
I probably should explain why I have big problems with Apple. It’s not that their products aren’t innovative or sleek. In fact, I have to admit the iPhone is pretty darn revolutionary. That being said, not all revolutions make the world a better place. My beef with Apple stems from the fact they’re preaching that their products are so superior when in reality, they break down just as often, and they cause their owners just as much grief and frustration as anyone else. My mother-in-law received an iPad for her birthday one year and it broke down a month later. Also, my wife can’t call anyone on her iPhone 5, because for some reason, no one can hear her on the other end. Apparently, this is a pretty common issue as there is actually a video explaining how to fix this problem on YouTube (it didn’t work).
Another thing that bugs me is that Apple is just so damn arrogant. This is the company that has the audacity to call the dorks who work in the Apple store “geniuses.” Why a genius would settle for a low-level I.T. job, instead of working at, say, NASA or Industrial LIght and Magic, I’m not sure, but working at the Apple store definitely does not scream “genius” to me Adding to Apple’s arrogance is the fact that it is almost impossible to configure an Apple computer to your personal preferences by changing parts of it up, and nothing of Apple’s is compatible with ANYTHING ANYWHERE. For the new iPhone 7, the Lightning port is going to double as the device’s earphone jack so that the only earphones that will work on the phone will be (drumroll please…) APPLE approved earphones! So if you lose your earphones or get them stolen, there’s more money coming out of your pocket and heading Apple’s way, which is absurd when you consider the 32GB version of the iPhone is going to cost $649!! Want the 256GB version? Fork over $849. Those are US dollars too! Want to buy it in Canada? Well, the iPhone 7 Plus will set you back a MINIMUM of $1,049! How badly do their customers need to check out that YouTube video with the cat seeing the cucumber and hitting the ceiling? Despite Apple’s clear contempt for its customers, users will defend Steve Jobs’ company like their sister’s honour has been besmirched.
Anyway, back to the reason we’re all here today: this piece of crap.
As you can see by the picture above, the Apple USB mouse most definitely looked like a hockey puck, if it had been dipped in plastic, pretentiousness and greed.
Who wouldn’t want a hockey puck shaped mouse? Just look at how comfortable said mouse looks in the hand of this guy.
The dude looks like he’s trying to massage his desk with his fingertips, only the damn mouse is getting in the way. Sweet Jeebus is that thing small! Apparently it also rotated against one’s will, making it extremely awkward to use. There is a reason the mouse has been so successful for some thirty years, and it has everything to do with it NOT LOOKING LIKE A BLOODY HOCKEY PUCK. A pretty standard rule for anything that has ever existed is “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Charlie Finley defied that rule when he brought in the white skates. That was one bad idea. Remember New Coke? Or Heinz blue ketchup? Or Crystal Pepsi? Bad ideas all.
Apple has never really understood the concept of the mouse. For example, the cord in this thing was about four inches long. OK, it wasn’t really four inches long, but it seriously felt like it when you tried to move your cursor from the left of the screen to the right and couldn’t even accomplish that it in one sweep. Not that other versions of Apple mice (is that how you pluralize “mouse” in this context?) have been any better. I remember, years later, having to use Macs in the computer lab at Ottawa U., (likely because all of the user-friendly PCs in the lab were taken) and they also had the four-inch cord. Man, was that thing annoying.
The Apple USB Mouse was included with the Bondi Blue iMac G3 in 1998 and it was subsequently included with all Macs for the next two years. It was the first Apple mouse to use the USB connection rather than the traditional Apple Desktop Bus.
Hmm… wait a minute; this all sounds familiar. Like kinda iPhone 7-familiar. Maybe Apple was onto something after all when they decided to scrap the headphone jack. After all, their first attempt at being traditional backfired spectacularly.
You know, I’ve learned something today. In the end, sure the new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 batteries will probably leave your jeans with giant burn marks in the pockets, but like the low-budget, awkward Seals, Samsung keeps on trying, and failing, but we never really expect them to figure things out. It’s hard not to have some feelings of pity for something that tries so hard. That being said, much like the Toronto Maple Leafs, Apple keeps failing, yet has the nerve to keep gouging your wallet at the same time. That, my friends, does not take heartfelt effort. You know what it takes? Courage.