Anyone who has ever visited the Hockey Hall of Shame knows full well that I, Steve Currier, am not a fan of alternate jerseys, no matter what the sport, no matter what the reason for their existence. They almost always suck more than a Dyson travelling through a black hole. There are some nice ones out there like the Winnipeg Jets throwbacks. Why can’t more teams go the classy route like Winnipeg did? Alternate jerseys are nothing more than a ploy to sell merchandise, and everyone knows that sports fans are willing to spend their hard-earned cash on just about anything with their team logo on it. That said, I probably wouldn’t be so cranky when new alternate uniforms are released if they actually looked good. But, HOLY SCHNIKES! You’ve all seen that incredibly dumb New Jersey Devils alternate uniform that was obviously not modelled before a single focus group, right?

The depth to which these uniform designers can sink to just boggles my freakin’ mind.

Which brings me to this week’s induction, Justin Bieber’s curious and incredibly lame Toronto Maple Leafs “reversible” jerseys. If you haven’t seen these yet, here they are in all their, ahem… glory?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Hey, these aren’t that bad. No dumb words on the front like “Bolts,” “PHX,” “ATL,” or “The Town,” or some other lame nickname or half-word. What’s wrong with any of this?”

So, first of all, let’s ignore the fact that these mannequins modelling the new hats have NO HEADS! Weird, right? Well, not if your target market walks around all day without noggins on their shoulders. In that case, I’ve got no argument to convince you that these hat models are, at the very least, highly questionable.

And the questions I have about this reversible jersey just keep popping into my head.

For instance, do you notice something weird about the new alternate colours on the left jersey? Look real close.

Kinda looks like the colours of a certain team that takes great pleasure in tormenting the Leafs every couple of Aprils, doesn’t it?

Yes, those would be the same colours as the Big Bad Boston Bruins. Now, I will admit I am no Bruins fan. They have been a thorn in my Habs’ side for generations now, but when they take on the Leafs, I will gladly wear a Bruins jersey and proclaim my love for Brad Marchand and his cheek-licking antics. Make no mistake, I absolutely LOVED the conclusions to each and every one of those last three Boston-Toronto playoff encounters. Good times, people, good times.

So the Leafs are so intimidated by the Bruins that they are actually going to ADOPT their colours? Uh, ok. Maybe Bieber was thinking, “Hey, if Bergeron and company are skating up toward the Leaf goal, maybe they’ll get confused by the black and gold uniforms and think they are actually skating in on their OWN goal. Brilliant, I tells ya, brilliant!”

And, if I didn’t know any better, I would swear that the yellow leaf on that jersey is smiling. I mean, seriously it’s a damn smiley-face emogi! Why not just put rainbows and unicorns on the front of the jersey too? Maybe put Tinkerbell on the shoulders or a cute puppy dog? Those are intimidating, right? And couldn’t Bieber have just taken a page out of Vegas’s fashion portfolio and sprinkled some glitter on the Leaf as well. I mean, if you are going to go cutesy, at least commit to the plan.

A lot of people, myself included, probably wonder why the Leafs would want to adopt a reversible jersey in the first place, but I think that when you haven’t won anything of significance since Lester Pearson was Prime Minister, you will do absolutely anything to “reverse” that trend.