Whoa, this thing has a lot going on! Where to begin? First thing I have to mention here is that I really have no idea what season this card comes from. I know it says “SAISON 1999-2000” on the card, but is that because Jarno played in 1999-2000 or in 1998-99 and his card was released during the 1999-2000 season like things are traditionally done in North American card sets. I’m also not sure what the name of the set is. It might be Powerplay, but I really have no idea. I gotta say, though, that if this is Powerplay at its best, it really needs to go find a dictionary to look up the word “best”. That, however, is the least of the problems with this card.

I guess the most obvious thing I need to point out is the giant flame sticking out of Jarno’s butt. I can’t see his left hand very well, so maybe there’s a zippo in it, and he decided to light up one of his farts or something. If that’s the case, the dude really needs to see a doctor pronto because I don’t think it’s natural for one human being to release so much gas that it can light a flame that can reach the ceiling.

The other thing I noticed, and you may have too, is the fact he’s wearing the BUSIEST HOCKEY JERSEY IN THE HISTORY OF HOCKEY JERSEYS! This is the reason why I am really afraid of putting ads on NHL uniforms; every inch of the ice, uniforms, seats, television screen, etc. is going to be littered with ads for a bunch of mega-corporations we don’t know or care about. Where is the tradition and the simplicity? The best uniforms, in any sport, have always had as little as possible on them. Think the Toronto Maple Leafs, Detroit Red Wings, Montreal Canadiens, hell ANY Original Six team, and they’ve almost always gone simple because simple works! What about the New York Yankees? What about the Cleveland Browns? Or the Dallas Cowboys? Simple, simple, simple!

Now take a look at Flamey McFartypants’ duds. Yeesh! Whoever designed the uniform looks like he had one too many trips to White Castle, and decided to stick a bunch of red towers on the uniform. Then, he put a gigantic heart underneath. Why? I have absolutely no freakin’ idea! I think this is German, but I’m not sure since there are FOUR different languages on the card: English, French, German, and Finnish. From what Hockeydb.com has been able to tell me, Jarno played the 1999-2000 season for the Nuremberg Ice Tigers of the German Elite League, so that settles the debate about what language that is at the bottom of the card. And considering Jarno was born in Finland, in my opinion, his name can be considered a FOURTH language on the face of this card.

One other thing that has me baffled is the tiger in the top right corner. I’m guessing it is supposed to be the team’s logo, and therefore that Schmidt castle heart thing is another sponsor? And why is said tiger blowing a flame on Jarno’s ass? I thought his team was the Ice Tigers. Anyone care to take a guess what any of this means, I’m all ears…