2008 Straight-to-DVD release (like there was any doubt)

I put this induction off a long time.  A long, long, long time.  I really had no desire to re-watch what I already knew was a God-awful attempt at capturing the spirit of the greatest sports movie of all time, Slap Shot.  The 1977 original was a perfectly written and performed movie that demonstrated the lunacy of over-the-top violence that was dragging hockey through the mud.  Yes, it was off-colour, rude, offensive, and at times, homophobic, but I believe this just illustrates what spending time riding buses with a minor-league team sounded like back in the day.  In fact, that’s how screenwriter Nancy Dowd got a lot of the material for her script, which probably explains why Slap Shot just felt so authentic.  And it had the great Paul Newman starring as player-coach Reggie Dunlop!  No matter how scummy Reg could get in manipulating his players, fans, and the media, it was so difficult to not like him because he always had this twinkle in his eye.  Just about every character in Slap Shot has funny moments, from Johnny Upton threatening to wiggle his wiener at the audience at a fashion show, to general manager Joe McGrath reminiscing about former players who were not masters of their domain in the penalty box, to the Hansons bringing their f’n toys with ’em.  The movie delivers lines that we hockey fans have been quoting for the last 40 years.  That’s when you know a movie has become legendary: when you can start quoting lines to strangers on the street and they know exactly what you’re talking about.  This will never be the case with Slap Shot 3, today’s induction into the Hockey Hall of Shame.

The movie begins with the words “Universal Studios Family Production” plastered across the screen. I have a very bad feeling about this movie already.

The main character here is Riley Haskell, played by Greyston Holt, who looks exactly like Jim from The Office.

Don’t believe me?

Here’s Greyston…

And here’s Jimbo…

Riley is an orphan, and since the guy running the joint has run off to Florida, Riley is the one in charge, trying to make it seem like the inmates aren’t running the asylum.  Child Services come by once in a while asking to see an adult, and in typical kids’ movie fashion, the orphans put on goofy costumes and drag the Child Services lady to different parts of the house while the orphans scramble to set up the next cover-up. And no one’s the wiser, of course.

The orphange, called the Newman Home for Boys (OK, that’s a nice touch) is in a rich land developer’s way.  This lady, Bernie Frazier (seriously, that’s her name), tells us, “I love the smell of progress in the morning” as a bulldozer destroys the “Welcome to Charlestown” sign.  Only a couple of frames into the movie and already we get our first cliche. Get ready, folks, there’s plenty more of those coming.

For some reason (and I’m too lazy to rewatch this turd to find out) Bernie goes looking for the legendary Hanson brothers who have settled in Charlestown after (spoiler alert!) winning the lottery at the end of Slap Shot 2.  They then became professional poker players, lost their fortune, and then lost their wives.  The Hansons have also found religion since their hell-raisin’-root-beer-hatin’ days, and they have no interest in helping Bernie out because she has bad chi or something (seriously).  So, she puts the Hansons on her “destroy list”.

Back at the orphanage, the boys are out in the barn playing hockey.  I’m not talking about an old arena like the Cow Palace here.  I mean, LITERALLY an old barn.  Child services come by for another surprise visit, and as the boys scramble to fool the dumbest child services official ever, a SLUT magazine (yes, that’s what it’s called, in what is a FAMILY movie) falls onto the floor.  Sometimes, I don’t think this movie knows what it wants to be.  A children’s movie with a magazine called SLUT in it?  “Mommy, what’s a slut?”

Charlestown definitely looks different than it did back in the 70s.  In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d say it was filmed in Canada.  The arena has lots of advertising for the definitely Canadian HMV and Future Shop, but there is also, interestingly, ads for the definitely American Blockbuster Video.  Do they only sell CDs and DVDs in this town?  Don’t they know people stopped buying those during the Bush administration? Maybe that’s why the local economy is still in the toilet.

Yes, that’s right, Charlestown’s economy was in the toilet in the original Slap Shot, it was in the toilet in Slap Shot 2, and it is still in the freakin’ toilet in Slap Shot 3! That’s like a forty-year economic slump! The Great Depression lasted, at best, ten years, but apparently it was not nearly as great as Charlestown’s financial crisis!

But then a shining beacon appears…

Frank Drebin!

Sure this picture is from one of the Naked Gun movies, but I like to think that this was Leslie Nielsen’s reaction when he saw the finished version of Slap Shot 3.

Don’t get too attached to Leslie though; he appears for like four minutes in this entire travesty.

So Frank is the mayor of Charlestown. As mentioned earlier, his town has been in pretty rough shape since the factory closed in the 70s, and probably because the town sunk all of its money in DVD sales.  This straight-to-DVD movie is not going to help matters much, I’m afraid.

Bernie wants to tear down the Newman Home and build a golf course.  Isn’t that always what mean rich business people in movies always want to build?  Don’t they ever want to build a comedy club, or an amusement park or a laundromat, or a go-kart race track?

Bernie and her son Kaine “Stonewall” Frazier, a goalie on the Binghamton junior team, scope out the Charlestown arena looking to buy it up for some reason; the movie never really explains it.  Her son has the douchiest hair cut you’ve ever seen, weird eyebrows, and a preppie sweater, in case you had no idea he was a dick. This, unfortunately, is the best picture I could find of Kaine on the Internet…

He is constantly putting the moves on Shayne, who, despite the masculine-sounding name, is a girl… Sweet Jesus, doesn’t anyone have an un-millenial name in this movie? Riley, Kaine, Shayne, my God! Anyway, back to this disaster of a movie. So Kaine puts the moves on Shayne, Riley’s hockey-playing-friend-but-not-quite-girlfriend-because-they-haven’t-yet-sorted-out-their-feelings-for-each-other-but-you-know-they-really-like-each-other-because-you-can-cut-the-sexual-tension-with-a-knife, but she tells him off. You go girl!  He later also challenges her to score on him, which seems impossible, because douchebag here apparently hasn’t been scored on all year.

Shayne’s dad, Rick, owns the arena, and he refuses to sell it to Bernie and see it demolished.  Rick has absolutely no purpose in this movie whatsoever, except for this scene, and the fact that he has the brilliant idea of acquiring an expansion team in the Pennsylvania Junior League, because people love an underdog, and we all know that getting an expansion team is totally easy if you just forget about money, timing, rules, etc.  In this movie, you can get an expansion team faster than a driver’s license.  And for less money, I’m guessing, because no one in this town seems to have any money at all except for Ms. Moneybritches, and yet Charlestown gets itself a team lickity-split.

Riley recruits his boys to start a team that will join the junior league, because that’s just like in real life. Right?  How creating a hockey team full of orphans will actually save the home, your guess is as good as mine.

ALMOST UNRELATED SEALS NOTE: Did you know that the Seals, having been owned by the NHL from February 1974 to mid-1975, could be considered an orphan team, just like the Newman boys?

I guess the logic of the Newman boys entering the junior league is that if they play well, they can win the hearts of the town folk or something, and that somehow will result in Ms. Moneybags not buying and destroying their home.  What else are the boys supposed to do?  It’s not like Frank Drebin is going to step in to help because by this point he has gone on, get this, a VISION QUEST! I’m not making this up!  I understand the folks who made this movie probably didn’t have much of a budget, and most of it was probably blown on just getting Leslie Nielsen to sign a contract, but couldn’t they find a better excuse for him not being in the movie longer than it takes me to brush my teeth?

Anyway, the Hansons, who have given up their violent ways (boo!), agree to sponsor and coach the orphans.  The Hansons talk some mumbo-jumbo about energy and being one with the universe like “Killer” Carlson did back in the disco days, only this time the joke is really forced.  They decide to call the team the Zenovators, and they give the orphans gold bathrobes for uniforms.  You think the NHL’s third-uniforms from the mid-1990s were bad, well they ain’t got nothing on these bathjerseys.

About 34 minutes into the movie, we get a cameo from Doug Gilmour! Why he’s hanging around Charlestown is anybody’s guess.  Why he’s in this movie in the first place is a complete mystery too because he adds absolutely nothing to the film.  He talks to the kids briefly, shakes his head when they inevitably lose their first game, and that’s about it.

The Hansons are invited to have their jerseys retired in front of what might be the smallest crowd to ever attend an event of any kind ever.  I think there are exactly two rows of seats in this arena.  The Hansons tell the “crowd” that hockey is a waste of time, which makes no sense because they are coaching a junior league team.  Someone throws an object at one of the brothers and the Hansons, who’ve now woken from their zen slumber, go absolutely apesh*t.  The Hansons go home and burn their robes, crack open some pops and bring in their sons Dit, Gordie, and Toe to help teach the orphans a thing or two about Old Time Hockey.

Like in the original film, the main character pretends the team has hope by planting false rumours that the mayor is working on having the orphans remain in their home.  And like in the original the Ned Braden-like character is immediately skeptical, and is totally against the violence the Hansons and the junior Hansons are now pushing onto the orphans.

In reality, mayor Drebin is AWOL, and Bernie knows it.  So Riley forges the mayor’s signature on a letter he hopes will convince everyone that the mayor is in favour of the orphanage not being demolished.

Bernie, however, has a plan to frame the orphans for having spray painted the famous dog statue (not at all the same one from the original movie, by the way).  When Riley confronts Bernie’s assistant about this, he misses his date with Shayne, so she goes dancing with Preppy McDouchbag.  But Riley is innocent, because he didn’t really stand her up.  He just, and I quote, “changed my plans and didn’t call”. Huh?  Isn’t that kinda the definition of “standing someone up”? If this were a better movie, I’d probably be able to tell if this line was meant to show Riley’s cheeky side, or just the fact he’s a dumb-ass who’s never owned a dictionary.

In the meantime, the orphans, now renamed the Chiefs, win a bunch of games using goon tactics, setting up a match with the hated Binghamton Ice Hounds.  If the Chiefs win, it means the orphans will stay, or something, I’m not really sure.  After all, why would losing a hockey game result in the orphanage closing? Why are movies always like this? Since when does winning or losing a game affect the outcome of a business decision to shut down a completely unrelated building like an orphanage?

Eventually, it is discovered that Riley forged the mayor’s signature, not to mention the fact there are no adults in the orphanage, and that Riley actually desecrated the dog statue hoping the Ice Hounds would be blamed.  The boys are taken into child services and are told they will not be allowed to play in the championship game, just because child services said so.  Since when does Child Services have any say about who plays extracurricular sports?

The Hansons do the inevitable and bet Bernie that the Chiefs will win the championship. If they don’t, she gets the Hansons’ land.  Oh yeah, I remember now… she wanted to buy up pretty much the entire town to build what will probably be the world’s largest golf course.  Anyway, the boys are suddenly allowed to play.  Apparently, when gambling is involved, Child Servies is cool about lettin’ the kids go free.  Playing in a championship game without a bet hanging over the proceedings?  Nuh uh.  Well, the boys are allowed to play except for the Ned Braden character, who has been blamed for forging the mayor’s signature, due to the fact the kid works in the copy shop where Riley did the deed. Still following me?

The day of the big game rolls around, and what do you think happens during the big game? Think the Chiefs will play it clean? Jesus, this is the exact same movie as 30 years earlier.  Of course, the orphans have pride and if they get creamed at least they can hold their heads up high.  Of course, the Ice Hounds goon it up with the help of “secret weapons” from the nearby detention centre.  One guy even killed “a squirrel with a straw in 5th grade.” Whaaaaa?

During the game, the Chiefs crash the net and score but the goal is called off.  Then the Hounds crosscheck the Chiefs’ goalie and the goal counts. It turns out Bernie paid off the ref, but her ruse is exposed when her assistant, who has taken a shine to the orphans, shows a video of said illegal transaction to the entire crowd.  In steps the mayor, fresh off his trip to South America, and he gives the orphans a speech to inspire them.  The boys decide to play hard but fair.  The crooked ref is escorted away by police.

Mark Messier shows up for no apparent reason and he tells Douchy and Riley that they need to play hard and clean in what amounts to a completely useless cameo that basically repeats Frank Drebin’s speech.  Besides, didn’t the orphans already decide they were going to play it clean?

As usual, as per hockey movie rules, someone not there at the start of the game must come in to save the day.  This time, it’s Ned Braden II, who has escaped Child Services.  Shayne joins the team, and when she scores on Douchy, the Hounds question this illogical turn of events.  It is revealed, however, that she has been on the line-up card since the first game of the season.  This movie is way more intelligent than Most Valuable Primate to explain that ridiculous plot point.  Except the fact that for her to have been on the line-up card since game one, the Chiefs must have played shorthanded THE ENTIRE SEASON because this game is her first!

With the score 1-1 with seconds to go, a Hound takes a penalty meaning it’s time for the obligatory penalty shot with no time left.  Of course, Ned II takes the shot. He scores on Douchy and the Chiefs win.  Not that the Hounds cared much about this illegal player just showing up in the third period.  I suppose he was on the line-up card all season long too, meaning the Chiefs played the first two periods of a championship game SHORT TWO PLAYERS! What kind of ass-backward strategy is this? Maybe that’s why my beloved Habs haven’t won the Stanley Cup in 25 years.

The orphanage is saved, sort of, as now the orphans are going to live at the Hansons’ house, now renamed the Hanson Home for Boys.  I thought winning the game was going to save the orphanage?  What was the point of going through an entire season when the orphans could have just asked to live with the Hansons in the first place? This movie’s plot certainly matches the ongoing plot of my life in that the last 90 minutes or so was a completely pointless waste of time. I will admit, however, that while not nearly as bad as Most Valuable Primate, Slap Shot 3 was most definitely a sucktacular adventure into the workings of junior hockey.

And now I’m glad this nightmare is over!